Lust, Inevitably Leads To Loneliness Or Something Like That.

My Life Stories, From the highest to the lowest, and the grey area crap inbetween that forms my life so far…

Archive for the tag “relationships”

Well.


Okay.
I have been punished over, over and over again, for every mishap every one night stand that began with truth of loneliness and ended in mornings of there lack of.
I don’t want to tell you lies, I don’t even want to make myself look a little better, I have nothing to hide. I am blatantly and fully fucked.
I can persuade most strangers to share my bed for a night of no strings attached, ruthless, both drunken and sober sex but a person I genuinely share feelings with  I am handicapped by my unrelenting urges to show such caring affection for any girl that is currently in my question.
You may see this as romantic, but it haunts me, I cannot let go and be my complete self without losing.
They all leave, and no I am not what you call ugly or fat, I am not what you would call stupid, yes I may joke around a lot but at the end of the day, I cannot see the outliers of my own personality that makes such amazing women flee after a month or 6. Besides one, I am too nice, caring, affectionate, I put these women before myself, its a lesson I should have learnt long ago, but I always thought being yourself would lead to a full loving relationship that would outshine all the rest, but I’m finished coming second, I’m finished giving.

I think I have stopped caring.

Anyway besides that, yes it fell through with another lady, great sex, amazing sex really.
A few days after that fell through I found myself in the arms of another and a blowjob that…. well… was amazing, pure bliss, like angel with me in her mouth.

Anyhow I’m back, I won’t be lazy and let you down, my fans, well what are left.

Goodnight
Alexander Vince

Lust Inevitably Is Loneliness, I Know That Now.


Over my life I have experienced a journey, and I’m thankful, I really am.

But these last few months have been hard. From enjoying the life my parents gave me, and the seductive lifestyle of youth and carnage of naive pubescent sexual desire, I didn’t see anything wrong until I started losing a grip on who I was as a person, I flung myself through women, university, work, without taking anything seriously, yet I had a tight hold on my fun, partying and of course cigarettes. Two days after last years Christmas, I had my work induction to my new job, I had moved down to Hobart and I accepted a job in the Wrest Point Casino as yes a bartender 🙂 It was fantastic, everything was coming together, a great job with a great paycheck and for over a month I had solidly kept to my own pact of no sexual encounters until I found love.

A few weeks earlier I had previously been promised a job at an Irish pub, but was soon disappointed with the brutality of reality, horrid management and was rejected completely without an apology, it wasn’t going to be that easy in this new city. Eating plenty of cheap canned food and smoking terribly cheap cigarettes, a downed decrepit condition of living really just to save money I was soon to run out of. Suddenly though  two weeks later and three job interviews, I had my options of being a porter at a prestigious hotel(The Henry Jones Art Hotel), a kitchen hand at the Royal Tasmanian Yacht Club and a bartender at a casino with multiple bars and plenty of hours, choosing wisely I accepted the job at the casino. On this day my induction to my new job was a day I will not forget easily, arriving to the car after finding out all the nooks and crannies of my wonderful new workplace. My dear little sister who had only celebrated her 14th birthday over a month and half ago, had called me repeatedly, and left me several messages to call her urgently, sitting in the car on a suddenly, dawning dark day. I called her only find out she has been walking the streets of my old family neighbourhood in Sydney distraught with the news of my fathers infidelity, with some woman he worked with in Brisbane, after organizing my friends in Sydney to pick up my little sister and take her to their mothers house to make sure she was okay, I called my parents…

Through fits of screaming rage, throwing office chairs down the stairs and ghastly fits of anguish I was able to persuade my father to leave the house with some belongings, I couldn’t talk to my mother, she was attuned and driven to an almost rabid insane outburst of absolute pure wrath saying if she had “a gun or a knife” she would have killed my father.

It was over the next few days that my mother had calmed down, my father gave way to truth and had told both my mother and I that he had been paying for prostitutes for the entirety of the last year…

Now think, your own father, who you thought to be the working family man, who had your highest honour and pride, who had managed and coached your rugby team, who had always been there when you were in trouble, who had all the answers, who guided and taught you right from wrong, who you looked up to and idolized, single handedly proved you wrong…. No destroyed all your beliefs of him. What stops you from believing everything that was right about your father is in reality false.

I cannot fathom his decisions to do such things.

This event cracked the foundation of our family. But the with family second chances aren’t just deserving, they are a given, otherwise you would always question what if but for most of its for love.

But it wasn’t up to the rest of our immediate family or even me, it was my mother and her big full heart, she was and I do believe, will always be in love my father. They went through marriage counseling over the last couple months to decide whether they could work it out or civilly part ways.

I visited my family for my older sister’s engagement party for a weekend, it was amazing, my parents were the happiest I’d seen them in years, like school children in fact, I, as was everyone else were truly looking forward to overcoming this dark cloud.

A week after my great weekend of celebration, I had worked a ten hour shift at the casino till early in the morning, and sleeping it off, I woke up to more urgent phone calls…..

My father who was too afraid to tell my mother about several other affairs when he had the chance during the couples counseling, had been caught when my mother had accidentally found an email recently sent by my father to an ex-mistress, he then had no choice but to tell the entire truth for the last time, my father had been cheating on my mother my entire life and a divorce is inevitable…

But following the original event that started this all, my father has been seeing a psychologist, he’s found out he’s a sex addict, this lingering shadow over his head his entire life, has finally been revealed.

all starting when abused as a twelve year child by a woman in his neighbourhood, my father has been unable to control himself.

I will always love my father, no matter what, yes he provided for our family, coached my rugby team, was always there for me and my family, I will never abandon him in his time of need especially when he is completely alone.

But unfortunately, I am now lost, I don’t know what to do, my dearest mother who calls me everyday asks me what to do, asks me for advice, constantly repeats everything, and I know its not her intention, but I feel like its pulling me under, but I’ll stay strong, love makes and helps you do such things.

There’s alot of detail missing from the last few months, so I’m sorry if it sounds scattered, but its just so hard to concentrate on such a thing as this.

On the bright side I think I’ve found someone, but I’ll talk to you about that next time.

Yours genuinely, always loving but a little lost

Alexander Vince

Can’t Survive On Candy


So I came to the reality I can’t “survive on candy” I will refer to candy as those fairytales, those hopes we hold for certain people, that infatuation that is undeniably seductive and sweet. That small supple frame, her cheeky curves, a body that puts the devils charm to shame, bublegum tongue with each addictive taste leaves you yearning those thorny rose lips that dig closer to your fragile and vulnerable self. Then her every gesture unfathomably innocent and well…. purely… gently, gracefully just nice. She’s independent, a mother who rears her child with great responsibility and amazing amiability, she holds all the qualities that every man should want in a potential spouse. How can I deny myself from such a girl? I have become entranced, I haven’t wasted a thought or a glance on another girl, I am completely captivated by her.
But the best part of it all is I want to change for the good, better myself, stop this selfish rampage drowning myself in a sea of the female lustful reproductive systems, I want to have this devotion to a person.
I really am miserable, I fall “in an alcohol induced love” with a women for the night only to wake up the next morning dreadfully disappointing them and myself to find our lustful conquest useless and a failure to anything that resembled the last night’s deep attraction. I know this isn’t the way to go around establishing a strong foundation for a relationship, but it seems that most of the lonelyhearts are at that bar, that night club, that house party or at that pub, do I yearn for such a connection so desperately I latch myself to a fellow lonely heart for but a grain of that familiar sense of security, contentnes and comfort. Admittedly I do.
I am such a hypocrite, I feel horrible for what I’ve done to these perfectly nice girls and I can use some poor excuse but ultimately I am sorry.

Now back to the original point, do I deserve this girl(or any girl)? Or will I wonder around in this life watching others joys and success such as the family across the street in their cottage like house, the mother playing with her child in the playhouse, the father applying himself to household maintenance in a sweet serene family scene, of what i see as happiness.
I guess time will tell because do I have any other choice but to wait….

Yours the apologetic and troubled sleeper

Alexander Vince

I Guess Its Like Rehab


I’m feeling good, happy, free I guess.

There’s been a lot of thinking over the past month, a lot of anger, frustration, regret, and a fucking stupid amount of things going through my head.

Its like rehab but the cold sweats in the middle of the night replaced with awful dreams, the shakes with constant reminders of her, and that addiction silently talking to you swapped with the constant never ending thoughts poking and teasing you of the past.
But I’m not going to say I was in pain throughout my last relationship, most of it was good and great times, but I need my time of freedom, to take a step back and look at everything and do everything that I want to. Without having to rely or be supported by anyone else therefore not experiencing the frustrations of disappointments when things fall through.
I’ve got myself, yeah sure loneliness is a problem I’ve got to face, but we all have to at some point.

I’m aiming at self reliance, defining, bettering and getting to know myself.
Okay now that’s enough about the pain, the change. Now to tell you what I’ve done for the relief, its fun… fun… and yes fun!

Which includes:

– Alcohol

– Smoking (stopping atm… again)

– A string of girls

– Took a lesbian home (yes that even surprised me)

– An unbelievable amount of training at the gym

–  Spending money (oh you all know it feels good)

– Just concentrating on Uni (perhaps not the most uplifting experience, but it takes your mind of things)

So I guess I’m going to have to tell you the lesbian story, well lets just say my mind wasn’t “there” my middle member controlled everything, I know its not very tasteful to do so but there’s an evolutionary theory why we(men) are the way we are, being “sex-crazed” to ensure the continuation of our lineage, but of course this theory or function is obsolete in our modern age society and is probably the most often used criticism by our female counterparts, personally I don’t see anything wrong with having a healthy sex life, just use a rubber, a dom, protection, sheepskin, bag, happy hat, jimmy cap, nodder, raincoat, or a glove. You know what I mean right?
No? Really?
Okay… Here’s something that will spark that light bulb of yours:

– No glove, no love.

– Don’t be silly, wrap you willy.

– Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.

– Don’t be a ding-dong, cover you shling-shlong.

– Don’t be a wenis, protect you penis.

– If there’s gunna be affection, cover your erection.

– If your gunna banger, cover your wanger.

– There only a buck, get one before you fuck.

– If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.

– If you slip between her thighs, condomize.

– While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis.

– If you think she’ll sigh, cover old one eye.

– Avoid a frown, contain your clown.

– Cage that snake then shake and bake.

– Cover your vein then drive her insane.

– Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds.

Alright did you get it? Ahhh the last horse crosses the finish line…
Well anyway where was I? Oh yes I was pretty much doing the mating dance ritual with a girl on the dance floor, I had her pushing up against me, grabbing my ass, which really I kind of fancied, swapping roles a Little? Hahah then there was confusing she was 29 years old, my gay friend had a huge go(long story) but apparently the girl was “rank” like every other girl he’d commented on, well that’s a frustrated gay guy for you, but in the confusion he introduced me to this other girl, and in a drunken manner I quickly zoned in on an intense conversation with a Trinity looking girl from the matrix, lets call her that shall we! So got to my place, she wildly took my clothes off, ripped hers off in a flurry of tongue curling, griping, nail scratching, teeth biting, pelvis clenching magnificence. Then there it was….

SOOO MUCH BUSH!

Oh yeah it was there “BAM” she had so much, so much pride in herself, no stupid self image issues, that was HOT, yeah sure bush isn’t my thing even in politics but the self-confidence, the roar of Independence and beauty of being able to stand right in front of me, completely nude and vulnerable to sight and judgement without wincing. Yep WOW. I’ve always been able to walk around naked, it hasn’t bothered me, but most of my girlfriends have been so self-conscious, that its actually a let down, and most of the time such a joke because they’re all so beautiful, that I can’t help but laugh at the unfathomable reason of why they are that way, in reality they have nothing to worry about.
But anyway the Bush didn’t end there, there was a little bit of hair in the underarm, and I’m thinking yeah sure not what I’m used to but what the hell, then after the heightened intense super fun time, we talked, she’s mainly had girlfriends and hadn’t been with a guy in over 5 years. I felt privileged I must admit!

I felt dominated that night, as if she was the lioness and I was her prey, and oh I LOVED IT!

Well that’s enough of fun for one early morning 🙂

Yours the free, the conqueror, the happy and the rehabilitated

Alexander Vince

KEEP CHIPPER! 😀

Age Really Doesn’t Matter Now Does It?


So my lovely followers of sorts, I know I’ve missed you too!

I know its a short greeting but this is how I’ve been feeling.
I’ve been repeatedly making a quick and sweet contact with a wall, using my head ofcourse!
I have been experiencing a complete mobocracy(a lovely word for an utter state of confusion), thats right! Girl problems!
I’ve scrambled and sieved through every “micro-millimeter” of memory, thought and reason as to why my girlfriend is experiencing this state of precariousness and unnaffection, ofcourse wanting to have “some time” by herself(even thought she’s had alot of that for the past few weeks due to uni), not explaining the issue or issues, not looking at me for support which I’ve pretty much done from the beggining!

Talking about begginings, it was her telling me “I don’t want to play any of these stupid mind games” and further telling me she wants a serious relationship with truthfullness, no bullshit further pointing out how terrible her last relationship was, I agreed and now I look back, I have to say I’m truthfully confused about this bullshit.

So after not seeing her for the week, due to her University degree’s supervised nursing practice based two hours away, I went to her house after work on the friday night and she greeted me with unnaffection, no hugs, no kisses. At this point I was completely unaware that my confusion at the time was completely belittled to what I feel now. I ask if everything’s alright, and yeah “apparently” it was.

Then after no contact all day and night, Sunday around noon I recieve a text apologising for being “stand offish” and that she needs time by herself after everything that’s been going on and that she’s not in a good place. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF MY SANITY TELL ME INSTEAD OF SAYING THAT AND NOT TALKING TO ME FOR THE REST OF THE DAY! FUCK. Sorry I’ve got alot of counted sheep owed to this girl. She’s actually put me in a bad “place”. I thought its been fine up untill the last week or so.
Now I don’t understand why she questions my maturity, telling me via text instead of in person? not replying? expecting me to wait on hand and foot without knowing anything, it make me feel meaningless and unwanted its torturous! I’d rather be told, good or bad, why.

I may only be 21, but considering what’s happened, 25 or 18, age really doesn’t matter now does it?

Yours the justifiably disapointed

Alexander Vince

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”  Robert A. Heinlein

GOD DAMMIT! Why Isn’t It?


Okay so I’ve been attempting to not smoke or well to smoke less. I have succeed with the latter, but that’s exactly why I called it an attempt, I feel no need when I’m with “Missy” unless inebriated… Now I’m here in the lounge room, its 12.55 AM, and I am actually contemplating buying cigarettes, work is filled to the brim with employees that smoke, I would love a drink right now, along with a cigarette. Its such a bad thing, I spent the last two days not smoking at all, even while drinking.

FUCK IT. I’ll be back with a taste of death sticks, and a drink.

* * *

I was going to talk about my weekend of tom foolery but I’ve been following some of the antics that has been going on with the Australian Government’s decision to review the changing of the law to enable for “Gay” marriage, and I’m too encompassed. With the apparent loving of all “god’s” creations; most Christians in Australia are against it, being non-accepting, un-loving of this change, directly going against what it means to be a Christian, which is “accepting of all”. But its not just Christians, its atheists, its everyone else who are part of the minority that is, the majority do not have the right restrict the minority, neither does a minority restrict another minority, why do they choose to do so?

I myself if you haven’t noticed am not religious whatsoever but I still have my beliefs. I believe that yes, let homosexuals marry, yes let them adopt and raise children of their own, yes lets support their right to do so, their right, their freedom, their choice.

Lately its appeared to me that the gravity of many religious, political, social, and ethical groups are taking it in their own hands to take away our freedom, our rights. Taxing cigarettes, hindering the right for homosexuals to get married, taxing alcohol, making it illegal to smoke while sitting outside at a cafe having your coffee, changing to plain packaging of cigarettes, not allowing cigarettes to be on display, crusading against abortions, sex, pornography and every so called “sinful” and apparently “bad” thing, which is slowly getting taken away.

Do you not have the choice?

Do you not take responsibility for your actions?

Do you not have the right?

Is it not your life?

To those groups, and people taking away our choices or restricting our choices!

LiveyourlifeandletmelivemyLifeYouvebeentrolledbyyourbrain

“I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible – Jew, Gentile, Black Man, White.

We all want to help one another – human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone – the way of life can be free and beautiful…

Let us fight to free the world. To do away with national barriers. To do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason. A world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness.”

– Part of the “final speech” from “The Great Dictator” performed by Sir Charlie Chaplin

This is the world I want, this is what I believe in, this is the way it should be and GOD DAMMIT! Why isn’t it?

Yours the hopeful

Alexander Vince

True story

The Past Is Dangerous


Warning serious post!

So there’s been a speed bump in paradise with “Missy” (the wonderful girl who I went out on a date with, as you can read in earlier posts), it occurred the night before my inebriated “trick or treating”, when “Missy” had innocently been told about certain events of my past(way before we met), which to say the least shocked her and it almost changed her mind on continuing to develop our.. well “romance”. I’m sure many of you have done things in the past that if it were to be known, people would perceive or shape their understanding or fondness of you for the worst. But should there be such criticism or negativity, big or small, over an ordeal of the past that if a person and/or persons never knew, would not have caused such things as broken friendships, aggression or even a failure to launch, I guess the difficulty people have is over looking the idea of that person having done a particular thing and not realising situations and even the person could have been different back then, or being reluctant that they are who they are at this moment in time. Then again it all depends on what they’ve done and should judgements be made without completely understanding the matter at hand?

I’m sorry I am normally open to say everything and anything in this blog as you would know but this certain part of my past I cannot disclose to you, as personal as I may be with you, this is under lock and key in a tremendously large vault of paranoia and insecurity towards peoples possible reactions. But it was a journey of self exploration, to better understand me, myself and I. Now in experiencing this, I have a feeling of regret in doing it, but not regretful as I know its not my “gig” to put it simply.

Now as for “Missy” We’ve talked and it seems after a couple of weeks she is coming to terms with it, as I am still the same person, I haven’t changed and I still try to the best of my ability to make her happy. As much as it was embarrassing for “Missy” to find out, I’m almost glad because now I can definitely tell her everything!

Yours the for once secretive and happy making

Alexander Vince

P.S So my lovely friend Adam has begun a blog of his own, and it would be terribly nice if on your read through my blog you can visit his, you will find his well needed constructive criticism/cynicism on the ideals of todays society quite amusing! Thankyou!

>>>>> AdamBendall<<<<<

To Fill You In


Well I feel the need to fill you in on what’s happened between my new set of posts, and those previous 7ish months ago…. SO you can get a grip on why this feeling of happiness and such a wonderful date is an amazing change! Smile

So thinking of the past can give both pleasant, humorous, sad, embarrassing and shameful memories. for example over the last 8 months i have been  living far away from family and friends in Sydney and its pushed me through my last stages of choosing the self persecuting choices which led me astray towards a chaotic bipolar day to day living into this sense of independence and living happily content. It was during this time of chaos that my blog was practically a husk of what it used to be, and only written when I was on the happy side of this chaotic bipolar little slice of hell. To put it simply it was a series, well pretty much a pattern of “happy-disappointment-angry-upset-break up-apologies-false sense of happiness” for about 6 months. Yes if you’ve gathered so far I’m talking about my previous relationship, and now your probably thinking “why didn’t you end it sooner if you were so unhappy then?” well it wasn’t as easy that, I was both in denial and holding onto that last slither of hope that things would change, I’m not saying I wasn’t happy at all in this 6 month duration, but it was quenched and like a candle in the rain, it didn’t take long to go out.

But now the chaos is far from sight, further then the horizon. With many thanks to my friends of course who had to deal with such terror and unimaginable frustrations.

To those experiencing that chaos, I wish you good luck, and I really do hope things get better for you. But its your choice whether you want chaos over genuine happiness.

Yours the happily vibrant and un-chaotic

Alexander Vince

So It Happened.


Sorry for the lateness and lack of posts my friends Smile

24th March 2011

For all those supposed readers and fans yes it has happened, I’ve met someone,  I never saw it coming, it was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn’t on the prowl, it was nice, she was nice, I was even being nice, it clicked and it took me by surprise. She’s completely nuts, in a way that makes me smile and damn she makes good coffee.

To be quite Frank  she’s great, the first things I saw were these beautiful blue eyes, that are a little cat like, and there’s almost a suave look that surrounds her, she’s Petite, and I don’t think I’ve danced with anyone so much in my life. The best thing though is that I don’t have to lie, or keep secrets, or not tell her anything, because i can be completely utterly truthful and here’s the best part, she fun loving… A happy bee and her smell is almost narcotic.

At the moment I don’t know what’s going to happen, there is no crystal ball, and whether she shares the same feelings, I’m happy.

Anywhooo I’ve been busy with uni, and etc so if you know me, say hi, if you don’t well that’s too bad Smile Just kidding.

Yours the Happy

Alexander Vince

Where Do You Draw The Line?


So as an adult there are certain things expected of me, both responsibility, as well as having the wisdom to deal with situations appropriately. Well of course these things come with time and experience, but burning yourself out because there is a lack of rush an excitement takes its toll, but with taking that toll, the boring and dull day to day becomes more aggravating and unbearable, but where do you stop and think what am I doing? Slowly killing one self with the destructive after effects of alcoholism, only to end the night in the bed of another?

Jesus it seems all so meaningless all of a sudden, where do you draw the line? I believe this alcoholism and addiction to the ideals of casual sex is corrupting both my generation and the youth to follow, I used to believe in the excitement of the chase and the catch, being seen as something worthy among friends and others, but now its meaningless with a self loathing catchy name as a man whore or player, it almost makes me feel hollow, have you ever thought about all those relationships that didn’t work and the “what if’s”?

It’s a deadly cycle of being interested in someone yet that interest failing as quickly as it came often leading me to realize that I’m not quite available as I was the night before, and then she’s gone leaving another road not taken, her leap of faith wasted, and another “what if”?

That responsibility and wisdom better come damn fast, because I’m not liking this self purgatory anymore.

Yours the irresponsible and unwise

Alexander Vince

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