Lust, Inevitably Leads To Loneliness Or Something Like That.

My Life Stories, From the highest to the lowest, and the grey area crap inbetween that forms my life so far…

Archive for the tag “loneliness”

Lust Inevitably Is Loneliness, I Know That Now.


Over my life I have experienced a journey, and I’m thankful, I really am.

But these last few months have been hard. From enjoying the life my parents gave me, and the seductive lifestyle of youth and carnage of naive pubescent sexual desire, I didn’t see anything wrong until I started losing a grip on who I was as a person, I flung myself through women, university, work, without taking anything seriously, yet I had a tight hold on my fun, partying and of course cigarettes. Two days after last years Christmas, I had my work induction to my new job, I had moved down to Hobart and I accepted a job in the Wrest Point Casino as yes a bartender 🙂 It was fantastic, everything was coming together, a great job with a great paycheck and for over a month I had solidly kept to my own pact of no sexual encounters until I found love.

A few weeks earlier I had previously been promised a job at an Irish pub, but was soon disappointed with the brutality of reality, horrid management and was rejected completely without an apology, it wasn’t going to be that easy in this new city. Eating plenty of cheap canned food and smoking terribly cheap cigarettes, a downed decrepit condition of living really just to save money I was soon to run out of. Suddenly though  two weeks later and three job interviews, I had my options of being a porter at a prestigious hotel(The Henry Jones Art Hotel), a kitchen hand at the Royal Tasmanian Yacht Club and a bartender at a casino with multiple bars and plenty of hours, choosing wisely I accepted the job at the casino. On this day my induction to my new job was a day I will not forget easily, arriving to the car after finding out all the nooks and crannies of my wonderful new workplace. My dear little sister who had only celebrated her 14th birthday over a month and half ago, had called me repeatedly, and left me several messages to call her urgently, sitting in the car on a suddenly, dawning dark day. I called her only find out she has been walking the streets of my old family neighbourhood in Sydney distraught with the news of my fathers infidelity, with some woman he worked with in Brisbane, after organizing my friends in Sydney to pick up my little sister and take her to their mothers house to make sure she was okay, I called my parents…

Through fits of screaming rage, throwing office chairs down the stairs and ghastly fits of anguish I was able to persuade my father to leave the house with some belongings, I couldn’t talk to my mother, she was attuned and driven to an almost rabid insane outburst of absolute pure wrath saying if she had “a gun or a knife” she would have killed my father.

It was over the next few days that my mother had calmed down, my father gave way to truth and had told both my mother and I that he had been paying for prostitutes for the entirety of the last year…

Now think, your own father, who you thought to be the working family man, who had your highest honour and pride, who had managed and coached your rugby team, who had always been there when you were in trouble, who had all the answers, who guided and taught you right from wrong, who you looked up to and idolized, single handedly proved you wrong…. No destroyed all your beliefs of him. What stops you from believing everything that was right about your father is in reality false.

I cannot fathom his decisions to do such things.

This event cracked the foundation of our family. But the with family second chances aren’t just deserving, they are a given, otherwise you would always question what if but for most of its for love.

But it wasn’t up to the rest of our immediate family or even me, it was my mother and her big full heart, she was and I do believe, will always be in love my father. They went through marriage counseling over the last couple months to decide whether they could work it out or civilly part ways.

I visited my family for my older sister’s engagement party for a weekend, it was amazing, my parents were the happiest I’d seen them in years, like school children in fact, I, as was everyone else were truly looking forward to overcoming this dark cloud.

A week after my great weekend of celebration, I had worked a ten hour shift at the casino till early in the morning, and sleeping it off, I woke up to more urgent phone calls…..

My father who was too afraid to tell my mother about several other affairs when he had the chance during the couples counseling, had been caught when my mother had accidentally found an email recently sent by my father to an ex-mistress, he then had no choice but to tell the entire truth for the last time, my father had been cheating on my mother my entire life and a divorce is inevitable…

But following the original event that started this all, my father has been seeing a psychologist, he’s found out he’s a sex addict, this lingering shadow over his head his entire life, has finally been revealed.

all starting when abused as a twelve year child by a woman in his neighbourhood, my father has been unable to control himself.

I will always love my father, no matter what, yes he provided for our family, coached my rugby team, was always there for me and my family, I will never abandon him in his time of need especially when he is completely alone.

But unfortunately, I am now lost, I don’t know what to do, my dearest mother who calls me everyday asks me what to do, asks me for advice, constantly repeats everything, and I know its not her intention, but I feel like its pulling me under, but I’ll stay strong, love makes and helps you do such things.

There’s alot of detail missing from the last few months, so I’m sorry if it sounds scattered, but its just so hard to concentrate on such a thing as this.

On the bright side I think I’ve found someone, but I’ll talk to you about that next time.

Yours genuinely, always loving but a little lost

Alexander Vince

Where Do You Draw The Line?


So as an adult there are certain things expected of me, both responsibility, as well as having the wisdom to deal with situations appropriately. Well of course these things come with time and experience, but burning yourself out because there is a lack of rush an excitement takes its toll, but with taking that toll, the boring and dull day to day becomes more aggravating and unbearable, but where do you stop and think what am I doing? Slowly killing one self with the destructive after effects of alcoholism, only to end the night in the bed of another?

Jesus it seems all so meaningless all of a sudden, where do you draw the line? I believe this alcoholism and addiction to the ideals of casual sex is corrupting both my generation and the youth to follow, I used to believe in the excitement of the chase and the catch, being seen as something worthy among friends and others, but now its meaningless with a self loathing catchy name as a man whore or player, it almost makes me feel hollow, have you ever thought about all those relationships that didn’t work and the “what if’s”?

It’s a deadly cycle of being interested in someone yet that interest failing as quickly as it came often leading me to realize that I’m not quite available as I was the night before, and then she’s gone leaving another road not taken, her leap of faith wasted, and another “what if”?

That responsibility and wisdom better come damn fast, because I’m not liking this self purgatory anymore.

Yours the irresponsible and unwise

Alexander Vince

me

What Else Is There?


So I’m having a dark night of the soul, its the 29th of December, not long till new years eve and my head is filled with self doubt, my friend Gilly has “challenged” me to a “game” called “get the girl” (a very good looking Bulgarian girl in fact) but lately its times like these that leads to such self-loathing, and yes I am ashamed of myself which some of you would agree i should be, but what else is there, besides a night of loneliness or a morning of awkwardness? Where is that supposed “one girl or guy” that we’ve been told so much about..? Or the “one day you’ll find someone” and supposedly it will be “perfect” well I got to say it gets pretty damn lonely waiting for or trying to find that “person” don’t you agree?

What happened to dreaming and hoping for “love”? With ideals of partying and sex growing rampant like in the times of “Sex, Drugs and Rock&Roll”, with monogamy replaced by serial monogamy where are those “happy endings” that don’t surround the bedroom?

Ahh so many questions, but so little answers, so what else is there that our upcoming generation demands besides spiralling head first, drowning in a sea pussy or in other peoples cases, losing yourself in a forest of dicks?

Yours the self-loathing

Alexander Vince

Shit happens so get used to it.


After an hour of clipping photos together into a massive collage for my desktop, on my colourful laptop, and seeing the end result, a sense of happiness appeared, out of nowhere, one which i haven’t experienced for a while, which made me think, hey fuck it i am utterly disorganised why stick to a plan? Have you ever planned to plan?

So i think my past should stay the past, i will let you in on my life as it goes, and when the time suits i will tell you a story or five hundred…

Many of you would have to agree, “shit happens”, except there is a minority which have the advantage of ignorance, and i would have to agree “ignorance is bliss”.

Yet ignorance doesn’t help when your foreskin tears, and you have never bled so much in your life. I know what your thinking, it would be along the lines of “What the fuck”, well I’ll spare you of the pleasantries, but i have to admit, even though i was looking at the pool of blood on the bed, as well as the ever so bleeding phallus of mine, and blood soaked hands, i wasn’t so bothered, i believe the lovely girl in question was more so bothered, and quite apologetic… but to be honest, i rather myself quite happy to be in company of such a beautiful young lady. which is why the title of this blog relates to this story so much, shit definitely happened, and i definitely got used to it(especially the pain, and blue balls that accompanied it).

Now its 3.20 am on a Tuesday morning, another sleepless night i must say, but tonight, i have talked much of life, death, and love, with a long known friend and lover. Where she has both loved and lost family and friends, she has but surrendered hope even when it nears Christmas, this is when during our long and devoted conversation a question occurred. “Have you ever thought in the end whose eyes will you last be looking into before you move on?” I have to admit i was stumped, i don’t think anybody can tell you that, nor can you tell yourself, but i have to say when my loving grandfather passed away, it was his loyal and loving wife my nan, that was at his side, hopefully the last person he saw before he finally retired his shining armour.

Now i do believe my post tonight has become momentarily a little down, but with an amazing life comes death, and sometimes you just have to get “used to it” to put it bluntly, not to say you shouldn’t mourn, but i am extremely definantly sure that the person you mourn would never want you to be so unhappy.

On a happier note with only a few more days left, i do believe Parkes has shown me a wonderful group of people, a definite time well spent, and has changed me for the better.

Now i leave you with a statement which i hope you try to decipher to mean something, for example “ignorance”, “stupidity” and so forth, but say your reasons why..

“i see said the blind man, to the deaf man”

Yours who got used to it and still trying,

Alexander Vince

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