Lust, Inevitably Leads To Loneliness Or Something Like That.

My Life Stories, From the highest to the lowest, and the grey area crap inbetween that forms my life so far…

Archive for the category “Romance”

Lust Inevitably Is Loneliness, I Know That Now.


Over my life I have experienced a journey, and I’m thankful, I really am.

But these last few months have been hard. From enjoying the life my parents gave me, and the seductive lifestyle of youth and carnage of naive pubescent sexual desire, I didn’t see anything wrong until I started losing a grip on who I was as a person, I flung myself through women, university, work, without taking anything seriously, yet I had a tight hold on my fun, partying and of course cigarettes. Two days after last years Christmas, I had my work induction to my new job, I had moved down to Hobart and I accepted a job in the Wrest Point Casino as yes a bartender 🙂 It was fantastic, everything was coming together, a great job with a great paycheck and for over a month I had solidly kept to my own pact of no sexual encounters until I found love.

A few weeks earlier I had previously been promised a job at an Irish pub, but was soon disappointed with the brutality of reality, horrid management and was rejected completely without an apology, it wasn’t going to be that easy in this new city. Eating plenty of cheap canned food and smoking terribly cheap cigarettes, a downed decrepit condition of living really just to save money I was soon to run out of. Suddenly though  two weeks later and three job interviews, I had my options of being a porter at a prestigious hotel(The Henry Jones Art Hotel), a kitchen hand at the Royal Tasmanian Yacht Club and a bartender at a casino with multiple bars and plenty of hours, choosing wisely I accepted the job at the casino. On this day my induction to my new job was a day I will not forget easily, arriving to the car after finding out all the nooks and crannies of my wonderful new workplace. My dear little sister who had only celebrated her 14th birthday over a month and half ago, had called me repeatedly, and left me several messages to call her urgently, sitting in the car on a suddenly, dawning dark day. I called her only find out she has been walking the streets of my old family neighbourhood in Sydney distraught with the news of my fathers infidelity, with some woman he worked with in Brisbane, after organizing my friends in Sydney to pick up my little sister and take her to their mothers house to make sure she was okay, I called my parents…

Through fits of screaming rage, throwing office chairs down the stairs and ghastly fits of anguish I was able to persuade my father to leave the house with some belongings, I couldn’t talk to my mother, she was attuned and driven to an almost rabid insane outburst of absolute pure wrath saying if she had “a gun or a knife” she would have killed my father.

It was over the next few days that my mother had calmed down, my father gave way to truth and had told both my mother and I that he had been paying for prostitutes for the entirety of the last year…

Now think, your own father, who you thought to be the working family man, who had your highest honour and pride, who had managed and coached your rugby team, who had always been there when you were in trouble, who had all the answers, who guided and taught you right from wrong, who you looked up to and idolized, single handedly proved you wrong…. No destroyed all your beliefs of him. What stops you from believing everything that was right about your father is in reality false.

I cannot fathom his decisions to do such things.

This event cracked the foundation of our family. But the with family second chances aren’t just deserving, they are a given, otherwise you would always question what if but for most of its for love.

But it wasn’t up to the rest of our immediate family or even me, it was my mother and her big full heart, she was and I do believe, will always be in love my father. They went through marriage counseling over the last couple months to decide whether they could work it out or civilly part ways.

I visited my family for my older sister’s engagement party for a weekend, it was amazing, my parents were the happiest I’d seen them in years, like school children in fact, I, as was everyone else were truly looking forward to overcoming this dark cloud.

A week after my great weekend of celebration, I had worked a ten hour shift at the casino till early in the morning, and sleeping it off, I woke up to more urgent phone calls…..

My father who was too afraid to tell my mother about several other affairs when he had the chance during the couples counseling, had been caught when my mother had accidentally found an email recently sent by my father to an ex-mistress, he then had no choice but to tell the entire truth for the last time, my father had been cheating on my mother my entire life and a divorce is inevitable…

But following the original event that started this all, my father has been seeing a psychologist, he’s found out he’s a sex addict, this lingering shadow over his head his entire life, has finally been revealed.

all starting when abused as a twelve year child by a woman in his neighbourhood, my father has been unable to control himself.

I will always love my father, no matter what, yes he provided for our family, coached my rugby team, was always there for me and my family, I will never abandon him in his time of need especially when he is completely alone.

But unfortunately, I am now lost, I don’t know what to do, my dearest mother who calls me everyday asks me what to do, asks me for advice, constantly repeats everything, and I know its not her intention, but I feel like its pulling me under, but I’ll stay strong, love makes and helps you do such things.

There’s alot of detail missing from the last few months, so I’m sorry if it sounds scattered, but its just so hard to concentrate on such a thing as this.

On the bright side I think I’ve found someone, but I’ll talk to you about that next time.

Yours genuinely, always loving but a little lost

Alexander Vince

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Just Smile.


The amazing yet scarred girls, ruined long before meeting me, seem to be my specialty. I get them, I try to understand and give support, not too much, but each time they slip through my fingers. Yep I can feel it happening again, they all drift away, eventually. But I’m not whining, this happens, a healthy relationship consists of two people’s choices, not one, yet still disappointing, at least I’m seeing this coming right?

Its been found in studies that the most creative of people find it easier, as well as produce some of the most amazing well known pieces when they’re in  negative states of mind. For example Charles Bukowski, his poetry, short stories, novels all surrounded the average lives of poor Americans, the act of writing, alcohol, relationships with women and the drudgery of work. Times magazine even described Bukowski as the “laureate of American lowlife”. Its as if Bukowski sacrificed happiness for this unmatched writing that has left behind a legacy of creative genius.

Learning of this apparent connection, I find myself realising that I only really write when I’m not feeling too happy with myself.

There’s only one thing I can focus on (besides the obvious uni, work, etc, etc) and that is being truthful to myself, expect less of others and appreciate more. I hate losing like everyone else does and quoting The Rolling Stones “You cannot always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need”

Now to talk this amazing girl and be told what I already know.

Yours sincerely the for once realist but learning just to smile

Alexander Vince

P.S I know I don’t deserve her. I’ve realised that.

Can’t Survive On Candy


So I came to the reality I can’t “survive on candy” I will refer to candy as those fairytales, those hopes we hold for certain people, that infatuation that is undeniably seductive and sweet. That small supple frame, her cheeky curves, a body that puts the devils charm to shame, bublegum tongue with each addictive taste leaves you yearning those thorny rose lips that dig closer to your fragile and vulnerable self. Then her every gesture unfathomably innocent and well…. purely… gently, gracefully just nice. She’s independent, a mother who rears her child with great responsibility and amazing amiability, she holds all the qualities that every man should want in a potential spouse. How can I deny myself from such a girl? I have become entranced, I haven’t wasted a thought or a glance on another girl, I am completely captivated by her.
But the best part of it all is I want to change for the good, better myself, stop this selfish rampage drowning myself in a sea of the female lustful reproductive systems, I want to have this devotion to a person.
I really am miserable, I fall “in an alcohol induced love” with a women for the night only to wake up the next morning dreadfully disappointing them and myself to find our lustful conquest useless and a failure to anything that resembled the last night’s deep attraction. I know this isn’t the way to go around establishing a strong foundation for a relationship, but it seems that most of the lonelyhearts are at that bar, that night club, that house party or at that pub, do I yearn for such a connection so desperately I latch myself to a fellow lonely heart for but a grain of that familiar sense of security, contentnes and comfort. Admittedly I do.
I am such a hypocrite, I feel horrible for what I’ve done to these perfectly nice girls and I can use some poor excuse but ultimately I am sorry.

Now back to the original point, do I deserve this girl(or any girl)? Or will I wonder around in this life watching others joys and success such as the family across the street in their cottage like house, the mother playing with her child in the playhouse, the father applying himself to household maintenance in a sweet serene family scene, of what i see as happiness.
I guess time will tell because do I have any other choice but to wait….

Yours the apologetic and troubled sleeper

Alexander Vince

I Guess Its Like Rehab


I’m feeling good, happy, free I guess.

There’s been a lot of thinking over the past month, a lot of anger, frustration, regret, and a fucking stupid amount of things going through my head.

Its like rehab but the cold sweats in the middle of the night replaced with awful dreams, the shakes with constant reminders of her, and that addiction silently talking to you swapped with the constant never ending thoughts poking and teasing you of the past.
But I’m not going to say I was in pain throughout my last relationship, most of it was good and great times, but I need my time of freedom, to take a step back and look at everything and do everything that I want to. Without having to rely or be supported by anyone else therefore not experiencing the frustrations of disappointments when things fall through.
I’ve got myself, yeah sure loneliness is a problem I’ve got to face, but we all have to at some point.

I’m aiming at self reliance, defining, bettering and getting to know myself.
Okay now that’s enough about the pain, the change. Now to tell you what I’ve done for the relief, its fun… fun… and yes fun!

Which includes:

– Alcohol

– Smoking (stopping atm… again)

– A string of girls

– Took a lesbian home (yes that even surprised me)

– An unbelievable amount of training at the gym

–  Spending money (oh you all know it feels good)

– Just concentrating on Uni (perhaps not the most uplifting experience, but it takes your mind of things)

So I guess I’m going to have to tell you the lesbian story, well lets just say my mind wasn’t “there” my middle member controlled everything, I know its not very tasteful to do so but there’s an evolutionary theory why we(men) are the way we are, being “sex-crazed” to ensure the continuation of our lineage, but of course this theory or function is obsolete in our modern age society and is probably the most often used criticism by our female counterparts, personally I don’t see anything wrong with having a healthy sex life, just use a rubber, a dom, protection, sheepskin, bag, happy hat, jimmy cap, nodder, raincoat, or a glove. You know what I mean right?
No? Really?
Okay… Here’s something that will spark that light bulb of yours:

– No glove, no love.

– Don’t be silly, wrap you willy.

– Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.

– Don’t be a ding-dong, cover you shling-shlong.

– Don’t be a wenis, protect you penis.

– If there’s gunna be affection, cover your erection.

– If your gunna banger, cover your wanger.

– There only a buck, get one before you fuck.

– If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.

– If you slip between her thighs, condomize.

– While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis.

– If you think she’ll sigh, cover old one eye.

– Avoid a frown, contain your clown.

– Cage that snake then shake and bake.

– Cover your vein then drive her insane.

– Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds.

Alright did you get it? Ahhh the last horse crosses the finish line…
Well anyway where was I? Oh yes I was pretty much doing the mating dance ritual with a girl on the dance floor, I had her pushing up against me, grabbing my ass, which really I kind of fancied, swapping roles a Little? Hahah then there was confusing she was 29 years old, my gay friend had a huge go(long story) but apparently the girl was “rank” like every other girl he’d commented on, well that’s a frustrated gay guy for you, but in the confusion he introduced me to this other girl, and in a drunken manner I quickly zoned in on an intense conversation with a Trinity looking girl from the matrix, lets call her that shall we! So got to my place, she wildly took my clothes off, ripped hers off in a flurry of tongue curling, griping, nail scratching, teeth biting, pelvis clenching magnificence. Then there it was….

SOOO MUCH BUSH!

Oh yeah it was there “BAM” she had so much, so much pride in herself, no stupid self image issues, that was HOT, yeah sure bush isn’t my thing even in politics but the self-confidence, the roar of Independence and beauty of being able to stand right in front of me, completely nude and vulnerable to sight and judgement without wincing. Yep WOW. I’ve always been able to walk around naked, it hasn’t bothered me, but most of my girlfriends have been so self-conscious, that its actually a let down, and most of the time such a joke because they’re all so beautiful, that I can’t help but laugh at the unfathomable reason of why they are that way, in reality they have nothing to worry about.
But anyway the Bush didn’t end there, there was a little bit of hair in the underarm, and I’m thinking yeah sure not what I’m used to but what the hell, then after the heightened intense super fun time, we talked, she’s mainly had girlfriends and hadn’t been with a guy in over 5 years. I felt privileged I must admit!

I felt dominated that night, as if she was the lioness and I was her prey, and oh I LOVED IT!

Well that’s enough of fun for one early morning 🙂

Yours the free, the conqueror, the happy and the rehabilitated

Alexander Vince

KEEP CHIPPER! 😀

GOD DAMMIT! Why Isn’t It?


Okay so I’ve been attempting to not smoke or well to smoke less. I have succeed with the latter, but that’s exactly why I called it an attempt, I feel no need when I’m with “Missy” unless inebriated… Now I’m here in the lounge room, its 12.55 AM, and I am actually contemplating buying cigarettes, work is filled to the brim with employees that smoke, I would love a drink right now, along with a cigarette. Its such a bad thing, I spent the last two days not smoking at all, even while drinking.

FUCK IT. I’ll be back with a taste of death sticks, and a drink.

* * *

I was going to talk about my weekend of tom foolery but I’ve been following some of the antics that has been going on with the Australian Government’s decision to review the changing of the law to enable for “Gay” marriage, and I’m too encompassed. With the apparent loving of all “god’s” creations; most Christians in Australia are against it, being non-accepting, un-loving of this change, directly going against what it means to be a Christian, which is “accepting of all”. But its not just Christians, its atheists, its everyone else who are part of the minority that is, the majority do not have the right restrict the minority, neither does a minority restrict another minority, why do they choose to do so?

I myself if you haven’t noticed am not religious whatsoever but I still have my beliefs. I believe that yes, let homosexuals marry, yes let them adopt and raise children of their own, yes lets support their right to do so, their right, their freedom, their choice.

Lately its appeared to me that the gravity of many religious, political, social, and ethical groups are taking it in their own hands to take away our freedom, our rights. Taxing cigarettes, hindering the right for homosexuals to get married, taxing alcohol, making it illegal to smoke while sitting outside at a cafe having your coffee, changing to plain packaging of cigarettes, not allowing cigarettes to be on display, crusading against abortions, sex, pornography and every so called “sinful” and apparently “bad” thing, which is slowly getting taken away.

Do you not have the choice?

Do you not take responsibility for your actions?

Do you not have the right?

Is it not your life?

To those groups, and people taking away our choices or restricting our choices!

LiveyourlifeandletmelivemyLifeYouvebeentrolledbyyourbrain

“I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible – Jew, Gentile, Black Man, White.

We all want to help one another – human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone – the way of life can be free and beautiful…

Let us fight to free the world. To do away with national barriers. To do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason. A world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness.”

– Part of the “final speech” from “The Great Dictator” performed by Sir Charlie Chaplin

This is the world I want, this is what I believe in, this is the way it should be and GOD DAMMIT! Why isn’t it?

Yours the hopeful

Alexander Vince

True story

Genuine


I Would not be surprised if you all are thinking “FOR GOD SAKES NOBODY CAN BE THIS HAPPY FOR THIS LONG” but its not just burst of happiness soon to die out in an ember,  its genuine happiness, with each passing moment a constant reminder things can only get better.

Its that feeling stepping in from the miserable cold outside into the warmth from smiling faces and flickers of the homely fireplace happy to see you or even on the sickly hot dry days where there is that soothing cool breeze or shade making the most unbearable heats seem un-noticeable, almost a perfection, its also the pleasure a gentlemen takes in sipping his whisky on the rocks, the innocent gleeful smile from a child, laughing with your friends till you feel like you have no control at all and all you can do is fall, also for you smokers taking that first draw from your cigarette after a long day. I have no means to try and make you understand, but it feels like all of this and more. It gives you the ability to notice.. well “the little things” as people say, and think wow, this it, this is what’s its supposed to be like.

I have a lot people to thank for this, Family, friends and “Missy”.

I don’t think I’ve known a relationship or a girl without its carry on luggage of doubts, don’t get me wrong there were happy times, but they were equally if not overtaken by its disappointments or unhappiness and until recently I thought that’s the way things were.

Its like arriving at a mysterious place in the dark, slowly seeing the light reveal, each shade of colour, the pavers, railings, grass, the sand of the beach, the waves rolling in, and the sun rising above the horizon of the sea, with each moment passing each colour is more vibrant then before until your surroundings are shrouded no longer, and all you see is beauty. I feel this way with Missy and its gloriously amazing that in my moments of random interaction that I’ve stumbled onto something extremely more then worthwhile, and all I can think or say is wow, with my jaw dropped, staring.

I finally feel like myself.

Anywho I just thought I’d get you up to speed with the whole “Missy” situation, to put it simply its fucking fantastic! Open-mouthed smile

Yours the genuinely happy

Alexander Vince

 

P.S Lots of funny stories from last weekend in the next post Winking smile

The Past Is Dangerous


Warning serious post!

So there’s been a speed bump in paradise with “Missy” (the wonderful girl who I went out on a date with, as you can read in earlier posts), it occurred the night before my inebriated “trick or treating”, when “Missy” had innocently been told about certain events of my past(way before we met), which to say the least shocked her and it almost changed her mind on continuing to develop our.. well “romance”. I’m sure many of you have done things in the past that if it were to be known, people would perceive or shape their understanding or fondness of you for the worst. But should there be such criticism or negativity, big or small, over an ordeal of the past that if a person and/or persons never knew, would not have caused such things as broken friendships, aggression or even a failure to launch, I guess the difficulty people have is over looking the idea of that person having done a particular thing and not realising situations and even the person could have been different back then, or being reluctant that they are who they are at this moment in time. Then again it all depends on what they’ve done and should judgements be made without completely understanding the matter at hand?

I’m sorry I am normally open to say everything and anything in this blog as you would know but this certain part of my past I cannot disclose to you, as personal as I may be with you, this is under lock and key in a tremendously large vault of paranoia and insecurity towards peoples possible reactions. But it was a journey of self exploration, to better understand me, myself and I. Now in experiencing this, I have a feeling of regret in doing it, but not regretful as I know its not my “gig” to put it simply.

Now as for “Missy” We’ve talked and it seems after a couple of weeks she is coming to terms with it, as I am still the same person, I haven’t changed and I still try to the best of my ability to make her happy. As much as it was embarrassing for “Missy” to find out, I’m almost glad because now I can definitely tell her everything!

Yours the for once secretive and happy making

Alexander Vince

P.S So my lovely friend Adam has begun a blog of his own, and it would be terribly nice if on your read through my blog you can visit his, you will find his well needed constructive criticism/cynicism on the ideals of todays society quite amusing! Thankyou!

>>>>> AdamBendall<<<<<

A Smile


So to end another weekend of  bright sunshine, joyous, coffee, cigarettes, drinking, brilliance and work i had a highlight, it was on the Sunday night, I had a date with a beautiful blonde (lets call her Missy). At a nice restaurant called “Silt” accompanied with a bottle of champagne, our conversations were  never ending! Working its way into our precious history as children, adolescents, and adults as well our families past and how we came to be comparing each others colourful lives with interest and admiration, so practically I came to find and cement my thoughts of the things that makes this particular “Missy” special. What many find an average dinner date of entree’s, a main course and a dessert, this was far beyond my expectations, so much better in fact, to have a date go so nice and smoothly, even if we were partially inebriated following a distinct straight mix of port, limes, Cointreau and liqueur. I was supremely happy and for once i felt obligated AND willing to pay the bill, which was Pittance for such a splendorous, joyful night, I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a connection on a first date, not one just of lust but when you see that one sparkle that shows its potential for something that can be the star burning bright, along with your excited caffeinated butterflies in your stomach, it does bring a smile to your face.

Our night didn’t end there, home I didn’t go until the morning’s light and let’s just say we “rocked the casbah”. I took comfort in her company and her ridiculously comfortable bed, waking up to her aqua blue eyes and the highlight for my weekend a smile.

Yours the all round happy

Alexander Vince

 

P.s Me before my date: A haircut and HOORAY a weight off my head!

Picture of me before my date

THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM!


Yes I am still happily content! SURPRISED? HAHA!?!?!

Okay maybe its not surprising, because for those who know me, personally and in person; know I’m a pretty happy guy, but this is beyond happiness, I’ve got a dinner date; okay don’t start thinking that I’m moving at a million miles an hour, because I’m allowed to get to know someone aren’t I? I have to admit I’m nervous, but I’ve got happy, hyper BUTTERFLIES! Its Halloween in a couple of weeks,Dress up parties here I come! I’ve also got another Bali trip this Christmas/New Years; this time my best mate Adam is coming! Oh yes so much to look forward to!

There’s only one bad thing, all the good times have been fantastic, but they fly past and then suddenly its as if time itself has said “Hey wait a second, that Alex guy is having way too much fun, lets slow down during all the boring bits so he’ll be bored out of his tits.” or perhaps I just need some sleep….

Its like when you were a kid, your day at school is painfully slow, and your anticipating to go and play out on the street with your friends when you get home. But then you’ve got homework, further draining your belittled attention span but feeding your ravenous hunger to go and play. Those three hours of playful afternoons in the sun, are never three hours, well they never seemed to be. It all ended with the sun disappearing behind the horizon, street lights turning on, and one by one all of your friends were called home for dinner, you would play until you begin to feel the cold of darkness coming or you smell your mothers amazing cooking, and off you trot, or running.

Yes I’m comparing my innocent childhood days to anticipation of a dinner date, Halloween dress up parties and my soon to be, once again inebriated Bali experience.

I just feel that somewhere over the last few weeks I’ve regained that feeling, the rush, and the “butterflies” that as a kid, I had every afternoon when the school bell rang. I’m glad Smile

 

Yours the excited and all butterflied up

Alexander Vince

P.S

HOW CUTE IS THIS LITTLE ECHIDNA!

SO FING CUTE

The High Road


QUICK CATCH UP ON MY LIFE:

– No girlfriend. Didn’t end on good terms, but then again most never do. In short, things don’t always work out, apart from that its too long and complex to explain. But then again I wasn’t truthful with myself, which you can see in my blogs from before, quite a state of denial indeed.

– Work is great.

– Life is definitely fantastic, with its leaps and bounds of joy.

– Plenty of coffee, French cafe music, and cigarettes while sitting in the wonderful sun growing a tan with my best friend Adam.

02102011556

Adam and I “chilling” in the glorious sun!  Smile

Now to the main part of my blog! (Be warned its a bit of a serious blog)

So picture me trying to hold together a good moral decision against a chance of early morning lust filled adventures, while “under the influence of alcohol’, a tremendous amount of attraction towards this particular individual, as well as a sex drive that on most occasions drives me to a barely self contained insanity.

To a great deal of surprise I took the high road instead of the lower; where my previous sexual young deviant self wouldn’t of thought twice. I founded a great deal of respect for myself in doing so.

Your probably wondering where my reasoning behind my moral decision came from; well it was due to the fact this particular person was in a relationship and drunken decisions are often seen as a decision that is easily accused as the wrong decision “mistakenly made” due to the inebriation, unlike a sober decision which is less likely to be seen as such a mistake. it’s not only because of the thoughts  of “a regretful decision” but there is a respect that i hold for this particular girl, and if i were to ever perhaps show my feelings or even be friends with her, a drunken mishap and the guilt she would of felt by making that decision so quickly or without any reasoning(other than, oh he’s funny, cute and wants me so bad) would most likely destroy any chances of that possibly happening. Yes my drunken mind made this split second moment of massive thought and decision; when our eyes met, both of us steadily but softly leaning and quietly arching in for what was leading towards a kiss, and i turned my cheek. But things differed the next day with many a talks.

Its never been my intention of causing frustration or grief, we’ll see how things go but “I hope”.

Yours the more self respected and hopeful

Alexander Vince

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