Lust, Inevitably Leads To Loneliness Or Something Like That.

My Life Stories, From the highest to the lowest, and the grey area crap inbetween that forms my life so far…

Archive for the category “loathing”

Lust Inevitably Is Loneliness, I Know That Now.


Over my life I have experienced a journey, and I’m thankful, I really am.

But these last few months have been hard. From enjoying the life my parents gave me, and the seductive lifestyle of youth and carnage of naive pubescent sexual desire, I didn’t see anything wrong until I started losing a grip on who I was as a person, I flung myself through women, university, work, without taking anything seriously, yet I had a tight hold on my fun, partying and of course cigarettes. Two days after last years Christmas, I had my work induction to my new job, I had moved down to Hobart and I accepted a job in the Wrest Point Casino as yes a bartender 🙂 It was fantastic, everything was coming together, a great job with a great paycheck and for over a month I had solidly kept to my own pact of no sexual encounters until I found love.

A few weeks earlier I had previously been promised a job at an Irish pub, but was soon disappointed with the brutality of reality, horrid management and was rejected completely without an apology, it wasn’t going to be that easy in this new city. Eating plenty of cheap canned food and smoking terribly cheap cigarettes, a downed decrepit condition of living really just to save money I was soon to run out of. Suddenly though  two weeks later and three job interviews, I had my options of being a porter at a prestigious hotel(The Henry Jones Art Hotel), a kitchen hand at the Royal Tasmanian Yacht Club and a bartender at a casino with multiple bars and plenty of hours, choosing wisely I accepted the job at the casino. On this day my induction to my new job was a day I will not forget easily, arriving to the car after finding out all the nooks and crannies of my wonderful new workplace. My dear little sister who had only celebrated her 14th birthday over a month and half ago, had called me repeatedly, and left me several messages to call her urgently, sitting in the car on a suddenly, dawning dark day. I called her only find out she has been walking the streets of my old family neighbourhood in Sydney distraught with the news of my fathers infidelity, with some woman he worked with in Brisbane, after organizing my friends in Sydney to pick up my little sister and take her to their mothers house to make sure she was okay, I called my parents…

Through fits of screaming rage, throwing office chairs down the stairs and ghastly fits of anguish I was able to persuade my father to leave the house with some belongings, I couldn’t talk to my mother, she was attuned and driven to an almost rabid insane outburst of absolute pure wrath saying if she had “a gun or a knife” she would have killed my father.

It was over the next few days that my mother had calmed down, my father gave way to truth and had told both my mother and I that he had been paying for prostitutes for the entirety of the last year…

Now think, your own father, who you thought to be the working family man, who had your highest honour and pride, who had managed and coached your rugby team, who had always been there when you were in trouble, who had all the answers, who guided and taught you right from wrong, who you looked up to and idolized, single handedly proved you wrong…. No destroyed all your beliefs of him. What stops you from believing everything that was right about your father is in reality false.

I cannot fathom his decisions to do such things.

This event cracked the foundation of our family. But the with family second chances aren’t just deserving, they are a given, otherwise you would always question what if but for most of its for love.

But it wasn’t up to the rest of our immediate family or even me, it was my mother and her big full heart, she was and I do believe, will always be in love my father. They went through marriage counseling over the last couple months to decide whether they could work it out or civilly part ways.

I visited my family for my older sister’s engagement party for a weekend, it was amazing, my parents were the happiest I’d seen them in years, like school children in fact, I, as was everyone else were truly looking forward to overcoming this dark cloud.

A week after my great weekend of celebration, I had worked a ten hour shift at the casino till early in the morning, and sleeping it off, I woke up to more urgent phone calls…..

My father who was too afraid to tell my mother about several other affairs when he had the chance during the couples counseling, had been caught when my mother had accidentally found an email recently sent by my father to an ex-mistress, he then had no choice but to tell the entire truth for the last time, my father had been cheating on my mother my entire life and a divorce is inevitable…

But following the original event that started this all, my father has been seeing a psychologist, he’s found out he’s a sex addict, this lingering shadow over his head his entire life, has finally been revealed.

all starting when abused as a twelve year child by a woman in his neighbourhood, my father has been unable to control himself.

I will always love my father, no matter what, yes he provided for our family, coached my rugby team, was always there for me and my family, I will never abandon him in his time of need especially when he is completely alone.

But unfortunately, I am now lost, I don’t know what to do, my dearest mother who calls me everyday asks me what to do, asks me for advice, constantly repeats everything, and I know its not her intention, but I feel like its pulling me under, but I’ll stay strong, love makes and helps you do such things.

There’s alot of detail missing from the last few months, so I’m sorry if it sounds scattered, but its just so hard to concentrate on such a thing as this.

On the bright side I think I’ve found someone, but I’ll talk to you about that next time.

Yours genuinely, always loving but a little lost

Alexander Vince

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Just Smile.


The amazing yet scarred girls, ruined long before meeting me, seem to be my specialty. I get them, I try to understand and give support, not too much, but each time they slip through my fingers. Yep I can feel it happening again, they all drift away, eventually. But I’m not whining, this happens, a healthy relationship consists of two people’s choices, not one, yet still disappointing, at least I’m seeing this coming right?

Its been found in studies that the most creative of people find it easier, as well as produce some of the most amazing well known pieces when they’re in  negative states of mind. For example Charles Bukowski, his poetry, short stories, novels all surrounded the average lives of poor Americans, the act of writing, alcohol, relationships with women and the drudgery of work. Times magazine even described Bukowski as the “laureate of American lowlife”. Its as if Bukowski sacrificed happiness for this unmatched writing that has left behind a legacy of creative genius.

Learning of this apparent connection, I find myself realising that I only really write when I’m not feeling too happy with myself.

There’s only one thing I can focus on (besides the obvious uni, work, etc, etc) and that is being truthful to myself, expect less of others and appreciate more. I hate losing like everyone else does and quoting The Rolling Stones “You cannot always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need”

Now to talk this amazing girl and be told what I already know.

Yours sincerely the for once realist but learning just to smile

Alexander Vince

P.S I know I don’t deserve her. I’ve realised that.

Can’t Survive On Candy


So I came to the reality I can’t “survive on candy” I will refer to candy as those fairytales, those hopes we hold for certain people, that infatuation that is undeniably seductive and sweet. That small supple frame, her cheeky curves, a body that puts the devils charm to shame, bublegum tongue with each addictive taste leaves you yearning those thorny rose lips that dig closer to your fragile and vulnerable self. Then her every gesture unfathomably innocent and well…. purely… gently, gracefully just nice. She’s independent, a mother who rears her child with great responsibility and amazing amiability, she holds all the qualities that every man should want in a potential spouse. How can I deny myself from such a girl? I have become entranced, I haven’t wasted a thought or a glance on another girl, I am completely captivated by her.
But the best part of it all is I want to change for the good, better myself, stop this selfish rampage drowning myself in a sea of the female lustful reproductive systems, I want to have this devotion to a person.
I really am miserable, I fall “in an alcohol induced love” with a women for the night only to wake up the next morning dreadfully disappointing them and myself to find our lustful conquest useless and a failure to anything that resembled the last night’s deep attraction. I know this isn’t the way to go around establishing a strong foundation for a relationship, but it seems that most of the lonelyhearts are at that bar, that night club, that house party or at that pub, do I yearn for such a connection so desperately I latch myself to a fellow lonely heart for but a grain of that familiar sense of security, contentnes and comfort. Admittedly I do.
I am such a hypocrite, I feel horrible for what I’ve done to these perfectly nice girls and I can use some poor excuse but ultimately I am sorry.

Now back to the original point, do I deserve this girl(or any girl)? Or will I wonder around in this life watching others joys and success such as the family across the street in their cottage like house, the mother playing with her child in the playhouse, the father applying himself to household maintenance in a sweet serene family scene, of what i see as happiness.
I guess time will tell because do I have any other choice but to wait….

Yours the apologetic and troubled sleeper

Alexander Vince

To Fill You In


Well I feel the need to fill you in on what’s happened between my new set of posts, and those previous 7ish months ago…. SO you can get a grip on why this feeling of happiness and such a wonderful date is an amazing change! Smile

So thinking of the past can give both pleasant, humorous, sad, embarrassing and shameful memories. for example over the last 8 months i have been  living far away from family and friends in Sydney and its pushed me through my last stages of choosing the self persecuting choices which led me astray towards a chaotic bipolar day to day living into this sense of independence and living happily content. It was during this time of chaos that my blog was practically a husk of what it used to be, and only written when I was on the happy side of this chaotic bipolar little slice of hell. To put it simply it was a series, well pretty much a pattern of “happy-disappointment-angry-upset-break up-apologies-false sense of happiness” for about 6 months. Yes if you’ve gathered so far I’m talking about my previous relationship, and now your probably thinking “why didn’t you end it sooner if you were so unhappy then?” well it wasn’t as easy that, I was both in denial and holding onto that last slither of hope that things would change, I’m not saying I wasn’t happy at all in this 6 month duration, but it was quenched and like a candle in the rain, it didn’t take long to go out.

But now the chaos is far from sight, further then the horizon. With many thanks to my friends of course who had to deal with such terror and unimaginable frustrations.

To those experiencing that chaos, I wish you good luck, and I really do hope things get better for you. But its your choice whether you want chaos over genuine happiness.

Yours the happily vibrant and un-chaotic

Alexander Vince

Where Do You Draw The Line?


So as an adult there are certain things expected of me, both responsibility, as well as having the wisdom to deal with situations appropriately. Well of course these things come with time and experience, but burning yourself out because there is a lack of rush an excitement takes its toll, but with taking that toll, the boring and dull day to day becomes more aggravating and unbearable, but where do you stop and think what am I doing? Slowly killing one self with the destructive after effects of alcoholism, only to end the night in the bed of another?

Jesus it seems all so meaningless all of a sudden, where do you draw the line? I believe this alcoholism and addiction to the ideals of casual sex is corrupting both my generation and the youth to follow, I used to believe in the excitement of the chase and the catch, being seen as something worthy among friends and others, but now its meaningless with a self loathing catchy name as a man whore or player, it almost makes me feel hollow, have you ever thought about all those relationships that didn’t work and the “what if’s”?

It’s a deadly cycle of being interested in someone yet that interest failing as quickly as it came often leading me to realize that I’m not quite available as I was the night before, and then she’s gone leaving another road not taken, her leap of faith wasted, and another “what if”?

That responsibility and wisdom better come damn fast, because I’m not liking this self purgatory anymore.

Yours the irresponsible and unwise

Alexander Vince

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