Lust, Inevitably Leads To Loneliness Or Something Like That.

My Life Stories, From the highest to the lowest, and the grey area crap inbetween that forms my life so far…

Archive for the category “angry”

Lust Inevitably Is Loneliness, I Know That Now.


Over my life I have experienced a journey, and I’m thankful, I really am.

But these last few months have been hard. From enjoying the life my parents gave me, and the seductive lifestyle of youth and carnage of naive pubescent sexual desire, I didn’t see anything wrong until I started losing a grip on who I was as a person, I flung myself through women, university, work, without taking anything seriously, yet I had a tight hold on my fun, partying and of course cigarettes. Two days after last years Christmas, I had my work induction to my new job, I had moved down to Hobart and I accepted a job in the Wrest Point Casino as yes a bartender 🙂 It was fantastic, everything was coming together, a great job with a great paycheck and for over a month I had solidly kept to my own pact of no sexual encounters until I found love.

A few weeks earlier I had previously been promised a job at an Irish pub, but was soon disappointed with the brutality of reality, horrid management and was rejected completely without an apology, it wasn’t going to be that easy in this new city. Eating plenty of cheap canned food and smoking terribly cheap cigarettes, a downed decrepit condition of living really just to save money I was soon to run out of. Suddenly though  two weeks later and three job interviews, I had my options of being a porter at a prestigious hotel(The Henry Jones Art Hotel), a kitchen hand at the Royal Tasmanian Yacht Club and a bartender at a casino with multiple bars and plenty of hours, choosing wisely I accepted the job at the casino. On this day my induction to my new job was a day I will not forget easily, arriving to the car after finding out all the nooks and crannies of my wonderful new workplace. My dear little sister who had only celebrated her 14th birthday over a month and half ago, had called me repeatedly, and left me several messages to call her urgently, sitting in the car on a suddenly, dawning dark day. I called her only find out she has been walking the streets of my old family neighbourhood in Sydney distraught with the news of my fathers infidelity, with some woman he worked with in Brisbane, after organizing my friends in Sydney to pick up my little sister and take her to their mothers house to make sure she was okay, I called my parents…

Through fits of screaming rage, throwing office chairs down the stairs and ghastly fits of anguish I was able to persuade my father to leave the house with some belongings, I couldn’t talk to my mother, she was attuned and driven to an almost rabid insane outburst of absolute pure wrath saying if she had “a gun or a knife” she would have killed my father.

It was over the next few days that my mother had calmed down, my father gave way to truth and had told both my mother and I that he had been paying for prostitutes for the entirety of the last year…

Now think, your own father, who you thought to be the working family man, who had your highest honour and pride, who had managed and coached your rugby team, who had always been there when you were in trouble, who had all the answers, who guided and taught you right from wrong, who you looked up to and idolized, single handedly proved you wrong…. No destroyed all your beliefs of him. What stops you from believing everything that was right about your father is in reality false.

I cannot fathom his decisions to do such things.

This event cracked the foundation of our family. But the with family second chances aren’t just deserving, they are a given, otherwise you would always question what if but for most of its for love.

But it wasn’t up to the rest of our immediate family or even me, it was my mother and her big full heart, she was and I do believe, will always be in love my father. They went through marriage counseling over the last couple months to decide whether they could work it out or civilly part ways.

I visited my family for my older sister’s engagement party for a weekend, it was amazing, my parents were the happiest I’d seen them in years, like school children in fact, I, as was everyone else were truly looking forward to overcoming this dark cloud.

A week after my great weekend of celebration, I had worked a ten hour shift at the casino till early in the morning, and sleeping it off, I woke up to more urgent phone calls…..

My father who was too afraid to tell my mother about several other affairs when he had the chance during the couples counseling, had been caught when my mother had accidentally found an email recently sent by my father to an ex-mistress, he then had no choice but to tell the entire truth for the last time, my father had been cheating on my mother my entire life and a divorce is inevitable…

But following the original event that started this all, my father has been seeing a psychologist, he’s found out he’s a sex addict, this lingering shadow over his head his entire life, has finally been revealed.

all starting when abused as a twelve year child by a woman in his neighbourhood, my father has been unable to control himself.

I will always love my father, no matter what, yes he provided for our family, coached my rugby team, was always there for me and my family, I will never abandon him in his time of need especially when he is completely alone.

But unfortunately, I am now lost, I don’t know what to do, my dearest mother who calls me everyday asks me what to do, asks me for advice, constantly repeats everything, and I know its not her intention, but I feel like its pulling me under, but I’ll stay strong, love makes and helps you do such things.

There’s alot of detail missing from the last few months, so I’m sorry if it sounds scattered, but its just so hard to concentrate on such a thing as this.

On the bright side I think I’ve found someone, but I’ll talk to you about that next time.

Yours genuinely, always loving but a little lost

Alexander Vince

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Can’t Survive On Candy


So I came to the reality I can’t “survive on candy” I will refer to candy as those fairytales, those hopes we hold for certain people, that infatuation that is undeniably seductive and sweet. That small supple frame, her cheeky curves, a body that puts the devils charm to shame, bublegum tongue with each addictive taste leaves you yearning those thorny rose lips that dig closer to your fragile and vulnerable self. Then her every gesture unfathomably innocent and well…. purely… gently, gracefully just nice. She’s independent, a mother who rears her child with great responsibility and amazing amiability, she holds all the qualities that every man should want in a potential spouse. How can I deny myself from such a girl? I have become entranced, I haven’t wasted a thought or a glance on another girl, I am completely captivated by her.
But the best part of it all is I want to change for the good, better myself, stop this selfish rampage drowning myself in a sea of the female lustful reproductive systems, I want to have this devotion to a person.
I really am miserable, I fall “in an alcohol induced love” with a women for the night only to wake up the next morning dreadfully disappointing them and myself to find our lustful conquest useless and a failure to anything that resembled the last night’s deep attraction. I know this isn’t the way to go around establishing a strong foundation for a relationship, but it seems that most of the lonelyhearts are at that bar, that night club, that house party or at that pub, do I yearn for such a connection so desperately I latch myself to a fellow lonely heart for but a grain of that familiar sense of security, contentnes and comfort. Admittedly I do.
I am such a hypocrite, I feel horrible for what I’ve done to these perfectly nice girls and I can use some poor excuse but ultimately I am sorry.

Now back to the original point, do I deserve this girl(or any girl)? Or will I wonder around in this life watching others joys and success such as the family across the street in their cottage like house, the mother playing with her child in the playhouse, the father applying himself to household maintenance in a sweet serene family scene, of what i see as happiness.
I guess time will tell because do I have any other choice but to wait….

Yours the apologetic and troubled sleeper

Alexander Vince

I Guess Its Like Rehab


I’m feeling good, happy, free I guess.

There’s been a lot of thinking over the past month, a lot of anger, frustration, regret, and a fucking stupid amount of things going through my head.

Its like rehab but the cold sweats in the middle of the night replaced with awful dreams, the shakes with constant reminders of her, and that addiction silently talking to you swapped with the constant never ending thoughts poking and teasing you of the past.
But I’m not going to say I was in pain throughout my last relationship, most of it was good and great times, but I need my time of freedom, to take a step back and look at everything and do everything that I want to. Without having to rely or be supported by anyone else therefore not experiencing the frustrations of disappointments when things fall through.
I’ve got myself, yeah sure loneliness is a problem I’ve got to face, but we all have to at some point.

I’m aiming at self reliance, defining, bettering and getting to know myself.
Okay now that’s enough about the pain, the change. Now to tell you what I’ve done for the relief, its fun… fun… and yes fun!

Which includes:

– Alcohol

– Smoking (stopping atm… again)

– A string of girls

– Took a lesbian home (yes that even surprised me)

– An unbelievable amount of training at the gym

–  Spending money (oh you all know it feels good)

– Just concentrating on Uni (perhaps not the most uplifting experience, but it takes your mind of things)

So I guess I’m going to have to tell you the lesbian story, well lets just say my mind wasn’t “there” my middle member controlled everything, I know its not very tasteful to do so but there’s an evolutionary theory why we(men) are the way we are, being “sex-crazed” to ensure the continuation of our lineage, but of course this theory or function is obsolete in our modern age society and is probably the most often used criticism by our female counterparts, personally I don’t see anything wrong with having a healthy sex life, just use a rubber, a dom, protection, sheepskin, bag, happy hat, jimmy cap, nodder, raincoat, or a glove. You know what I mean right?
No? Really?
Okay… Here’s something that will spark that light bulb of yours:

– No glove, no love.

– Don’t be silly, wrap you willy.

– Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.

– Don’t be a ding-dong, cover you shling-shlong.

– Don’t be a wenis, protect you penis.

– If there’s gunna be affection, cover your erection.

– If your gunna banger, cover your wanger.

– There only a buck, get one before you fuck.

– If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.

– If you slip between her thighs, condomize.

– While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis.

– If you think she’ll sigh, cover old one eye.

– Avoid a frown, contain your clown.

– Cage that snake then shake and bake.

– Cover your vein then drive her insane.

– Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds.

Alright did you get it? Ahhh the last horse crosses the finish line…
Well anyway where was I? Oh yes I was pretty much doing the mating dance ritual with a girl on the dance floor, I had her pushing up against me, grabbing my ass, which really I kind of fancied, swapping roles a Little? Hahah then there was confusing she was 29 years old, my gay friend had a huge go(long story) but apparently the girl was “rank” like every other girl he’d commented on, well that’s a frustrated gay guy for you, but in the confusion he introduced me to this other girl, and in a drunken manner I quickly zoned in on an intense conversation with a Trinity looking girl from the matrix, lets call her that shall we! So got to my place, she wildly took my clothes off, ripped hers off in a flurry of tongue curling, griping, nail scratching, teeth biting, pelvis clenching magnificence. Then there it was….

SOOO MUCH BUSH!

Oh yeah it was there “BAM” she had so much, so much pride in herself, no stupid self image issues, that was HOT, yeah sure bush isn’t my thing even in politics but the self-confidence, the roar of Independence and beauty of being able to stand right in front of me, completely nude and vulnerable to sight and judgement without wincing. Yep WOW. I’ve always been able to walk around naked, it hasn’t bothered me, but most of my girlfriends have been so self-conscious, that its actually a let down, and most of the time such a joke because they’re all so beautiful, that I can’t help but laugh at the unfathomable reason of why they are that way, in reality they have nothing to worry about.
But anyway the Bush didn’t end there, there was a little bit of hair in the underarm, and I’m thinking yeah sure not what I’m used to but what the hell, then after the heightened intense super fun time, we talked, she’s mainly had girlfriends and hadn’t been with a guy in over 5 years. I felt privileged I must admit!

I felt dominated that night, as if she was the lioness and I was her prey, and oh I LOVED IT!

Well that’s enough of fun for one early morning 🙂

Yours the free, the conqueror, the happy and the rehabilitated

Alexander Vince

KEEP CHIPPER! 😀

Trick Or Treating? More Like Drink and Drunking!


So I’ve waited way to long to post about my Halloween weekend! It was interesting, filled with vampires, ghouls,  Zorro, corpses, a Sweeney Todd, blood guts and skanky “sluts”(no offence but that was definitely the look they were going for, not that I nor others were complaining haha). I myself was a sophisticated looking vampire, with fangs and all, I may have been sophisticated looking, but i was being far from sophisticated and closer to being inappropriate in my drunken ways then anything else haha.

Jae, Me, Bec, Birthday nurse, Dracula

Starting off with work from 5 till 10, I was eager to go begin! With my Horde of buddies; Adam(Zorro), Jae(vampire bitten French housemaid), and golly/Andy Bennet(Pauly D) we landed at a birthday house party where a many people ended their night in a drunken pool of stumbling confusion. (ADAM WITNESSED A GUY SPEWING OVER THE BALCONY, which was hilarious.)

Some random pictures of peeps!

Stewart in drag for halloweenjae and andyMoniquee and nikiJayde and JadeDanielle!!Nick

 

Leaving with “happy birthday’s” and the anticipation of going out and “Trick or Treating”, we had a speedy drive to Lloyds Hotel which hosted a massively awesome Halloween event, and apart from the “boring lazy” people who didn’t take the time to dress up, it reminded me of a the Rob Zombie music video “Dragula”, yet perhaps not so satanic and including hot nurses, maids, she-devils, and bride corpses, with the live band even participating in their ghoulish ways. Its intriguing how I enjoyed Lloyds that night in compared to the regular Lloyds that on most occasions I loathe, But its quite self explanatory why I enjoyed it, atmosphere, eye candy, drinking, lots of familiar faces, and more drinking yet if only they hosted way more parties such as this in compared to what they’ve done in the past; just a suggestion…

We then moved onto Irish Murphies! Where me and Adam were approached by a middle aged woman, who I was previously flashing my fangs at, and licking my lips, for a laugh of course, but when she approached us, she asked whether I “liked turning girls on at the bar” with a drunken slur that would be obvious to the deaf or dead, with a tone of complete seriousness and leaning forward continuing to tell me that I was “cute” or “hot” which in our inebriated state made Adam and I laugh to pieces as we had coat hangers(AKA the hangover, well the perfect ingredient for one anyway).

After the Lovely Irish Murphies, you would have found me, Adam, Golly, and Jae with inebriation at an all time high at New York, enjoying the company of its musky smell of beer, sweat, and the sweet smell of grinding, not that sweet, but stand one way and you get grinded on by some lovely girl (with an obviously fantastic personality), look the other way and your looking at that girls boyfriend who just so happens to see, with the awkward moment that follows your realisation… I have to apologise my memory is quite hazy by this time, all I remember is cigarettes, a drink that I apparently made up and it tasting like a pure alcoholic mix of liquors and ice, so just imagine, its like drinking urine…. Not that I’ve drank urine, but this drink was fantastically disgusting. I remember leaving, getting to the taxi rank, and trying to be all noble and enforcing justice on the “pusher inerererers” yes my drunken self has amazing morals. But unfortunately these two, mmmm how could I describe them, oh yes filth! These two pieces of filth decided aggression was how this predicament was going to be sorted out, when they exchanged some inaudible filth language, I replied with a cheeky “what? what? pardon? I can’t understand you?” and that may not have helped the situation, but a taxi came by, and bye bye filth as they hopped in, to go back to their filth home in filth land, wherever the filth that may be…. Filth… Smile

 

Then back to mine and Adam’s home where we all went to sleep after the sun began to rise at 6 in the morning…. It was a fun night! Even if it includes memory loss!

Now I was going to talk about a certain subject for this blog, but Its going to be on the next one…. Probably tomorrow night!

Yours The Vampire, drunk and Justice Enforcer of Filth

Alexander Vince

To Fill You In


Well I feel the need to fill you in on what’s happened between my new set of posts, and those previous 7ish months ago…. SO you can get a grip on why this feeling of happiness and such a wonderful date is an amazing change! Smile

So thinking of the past can give both pleasant, humorous, sad, embarrassing and shameful memories. for example over the last 8 months i have been  living far away from family and friends in Sydney and its pushed me through my last stages of choosing the self persecuting choices which led me astray towards a chaotic bipolar day to day living into this sense of independence and living happily content. It was during this time of chaos that my blog was practically a husk of what it used to be, and only written when I was on the happy side of this chaotic bipolar little slice of hell. To put it simply it was a series, well pretty much a pattern of “happy-disappointment-angry-upset-break up-apologies-false sense of happiness” for about 6 months. Yes if you’ve gathered so far I’m talking about my previous relationship, and now your probably thinking “why didn’t you end it sooner if you were so unhappy then?” well it wasn’t as easy that, I was both in denial and holding onto that last slither of hope that things would change, I’m not saying I wasn’t happy at all in this 6 month duration, but it was quenched and like a candle in the rain, it didn’t take long to go out.

But now the chaos is far from sight, further then the horizon. With many thanks to my friends of course who had to deal with such terror and unimaginable frustrations.

To those experiencing that chaos, I wish you good luck, and I really do hope things get better for you. But its your choice whether you want chaos over genuine happiness.

Yours the happily vibrant and un-chaotic

Alexander Vince

People


They come in all shapes and forms, short, tall, middle? Muscular, thin or big boned, but what first appearances, are at times extremely different once you start to get to know the particular person, except for complete and utter douches, first appearances definitely defines them as the ultimate douche of “douchness”. For example last Wednesday i had another student night, yes i finished off my Green Label Johnnie Walker, oh the HORROR. So anyway at “The Saloon” my friends and I were playing pool and what seemed like an extremely drunk and dumbed down version of the hulk walked towards us, except not so buff, and well not green, as for the IQ I didn’t know such lower life forms were still around(I was hoping they died off from stupidity and lack of common sense), reminded me of president bush really, but not funny enough to laugh at.

bush_tired

HAHAHA. That is all….

But oh god he “got up in my grill” hahah but seriously, he tried to convince me and my friends that he had apparently “won” the table, well the single cell organism was apparently at the pool table playing with other mates, yes I’d sympathize, but I’d played several games before he walked over…. So obviously after he started to get all antsy pansy I told him to “Shadazzle off” and i tried my best not to flick him off, but ehehehe what can i say?

So besides that particular incident, people in this state are extremely nice, I’ve got some new buddies, all fans of drinking, the “window shopping”, and are indeed in tune with my sense of humour. WOO! DAMN I NEARLY FORGOT. There is this one guy… BIGGEST COCK HEAD KNOWN TO MAN. Why introduce me to some girls and saying “oi listen to this guy, he has an accent, he’s so smooth and he gets so much pussy!”. Like what the fuck? I didn’t even know this guy? But I don’t care, he has to do a nudie run at some point in this cold weather, so karma and embarrassment is all going to hit this small man. HA. HAHA.

But what confuses me the most, is that men have been stereotyped to be shallow. WHATTTT! The reasoning behind this is that we have temporary memory loss and complete lack of concentration, we also do stupid things, act like apes of old ancestry involved in our mating calls or dancing when we are in a presence of a “hot” girl, or those large and almost magnetic or hypnotic “attention seekers” they are located behind, and in front. But this is absolutely wrong! I speak for myself and all men, that we have pride, we have power and NOTHING CAN TAKE THAT AWAY……………..

16102010014

Wait a second! NO! NO! Fine…. I admit it. Its too hard to evade my eyes….. But yeah that’s a picture of me and a stripper, she beat me up, BUT THIS STILL DOESN’T PROVE WE ARE SHALLOW.

So if men are effected by those amazing…….. “attention seekers”, are women vulnerable to such tactics?

Lets find out i want to make a vote on whether you lady readers find this “Fidel Castro” and his “attention seekers” impossible to evade? (now i blotched his face out, for private reasons obviously)

Fidel Castro

To cast your vote, look at the comments on this post and there should be one of my comments and you either press the “Thumbs up” whether you like it, or the “Thumbs down” if you don’t.

Now as for me getting beat up by a stripper. (WARNING: IF YOU DON’T WANT MENTAL SCARS DONT READ OR LOOK FURTHER!)

Twas a many moons ago that i happened to go to an event called “Sexpo” (http://sexpo.com.au/) and there was an inflatable castle which was fortunately a strip club. The stripper who “performed” for me was a lovely nice lady, who i respect completely and utterly, As you can see from the picture earlier I’ve got my cheeky grin on and life couldn’t be better. But this was before she tied me to the strippers pole with my own scarf, pulled my pants down, ripped my bonds apart, took off my shirt, and rubbed and humped fruit and ice, into my back, and bit my bum, when she put a pear between my but cheeks. But oh that’s not the end, she whipped me with my own belt, and a studded belt. I had trouble walking, sitting down and LIFE STILL COULDN’T BE BETTER Open-mouthed smile

But there is a picture of my ass in my “morning after folder” and here it is:

17102010015

Bite mark and all.

But what concerned me most about my night at the strip club is that i got titties in my face, dry humped, and what i call “fetishly tortured”, which i didn’t pay for, but other people just paid for the torture…. Now maybe my moral values aren’t as fucked up as i thought, haha i was never into the whole hardcore domination thing but strip clubs they “aigghhttt”.

Now I’ve talked about douches, the cockhead, men, my new homies, strippers, the Fidel Castro looking guy, “hot” girls with their “attention seekers” but i haven’t talked about normal or average people. Now this is where it may get confusing but i don’t think there is a such thing as a normal or average person because to me normal is boring, and no matter how stale or un-delightfully monotone a person can be, you just have to get to know them, open them up or get them excited because then comes what i call “fun time”.

Winking smile

Yours the beat up/tortured and fun time loving

Alexander Vince

 

P.S VOTE! Thumbs up LIKEY! OR Thumbs down NO LIKEY!

P.S.S I will continue my defiance of the so called male stereotype of being shallow, next time.

P.S.S.S I love you all! Open-mouthed smile

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